Susie Miller Wendel here, your dedicated narcissistic abuse life coach. Today, I would like to open up and share a deeply personal experience from my own journey. It is through this experience that I have developed a strong passion for helping others recover from the trauma of narcissistic abuse. Read on to learn more about my story, and contact me for personalized assistance with narcissistic trauma recovery.
I Fantasized While in My Abusive Relationship - Spoiler Alert, It's Probably Not What You Think
My Abusive Marriage
Throughout my abusive marriage, I was regularly accused of having an interest in other men, of cheating, and of being unfaithful. No matter what I said or what I did, the accusations just kept coming.
Ultimately, I was assaulted over this belief, which led to me finally filing for divorce. I realize now that extreme jealousy is very common within narcissistically abusive relationships and stems from the abusers' own insecurities and the need to maintain control and power within the relationship.
My Fantasy
The truth is, I never cheated on him, not even close. But he was right about one thing — I fantasized.
Okay, get your minds out of the gutter! This wasn't the steamy romance novel with Fabio gracing the cover, kind of fantasizing. The man I fantasized about didn't have a face or a name; in fact, I had never even met him (yet).
What I fantasized about was very simple, really, and encompassed everything that was missing in my abusive relationship. I dreamed of someone:
- Kind: Someone who could put his own ego aside and truly act in the best interest of others.
- Good: Like, truly, deep down, a good person and not someone just putting on a show for others to maintain a certain image.
- Funny: Someone who got my sense of humor and could make me belly laugh.
- Patient and Calm: He doesn't scream, yell, slam doors, or call me names.
- Who Cherishes Me: Someone who loves me unconditionally.
- Supportive: Someone who would build me up rather than tear me down and truly wants to see me happy.
- Who I Can Be Myself With: I won't have to walk on eggshells around in fear of upsetting him.
Dating Again
When I left my marriage and started considering dating, I was convinced that this mystery man didn't exist — that maybe it was better to leave it as a fantasy and resign myself to a life as a single spinster.
I struggled to trust men and was watching for red flags at every turn. I searched local court records once I found out the first and last name of each guy, expecting to find domestic battery or some other abusive infraction.
It took about a year and a half (we've been together for six years now) before I felt like I could finally let my guard down with my boyfriend.
What I Learned on the Other Side of Abuse
- Good men do exist.
- The traits and behavior I dreamed of really are basic things that we should all expect and demand in a relationship (unless you don't like laughing, then funny can come off the list).
- I would wade through all the sh*t and pain of my divorce again to finally arrive here – at peace and in a healthy relationship.
When you're in an abusive relationship, you lose sight of what you truly deserve. You are made to feel like you are at fault or to blame for the treatment you receive in the relationship.
So, consider this a friendly reminder that YOU deserve to have it all, whatever "it" includes for you. It might take trudging through a lot of muck and gunk, but believe me when I say it is worth it. YOU are worth it.
If you've resonated with my story and find yourself in need of personalized assistance and guidance with narcissistic trauma recovery, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can work towards reclaiming your self-worth, rebuilding your life, and establishing healthy relationships.