What Is a Smear Campaign?
A smear campaign is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse used by narcissists to discredit, devalue, and ultimately destroy someone’s reputation. It typically includes false accusations, malicious gossip, and rumor-spreading. So, to put it simply, narcissists do not go gentle into that good night following a breakup...
If you’re recovering from a narcissistic relationship, this may be something that you’re already familiar with. Narcissists are master manipulators, so, unfortunately, they can be very convincing to those outside of your relationship. Chances are you remained quiet about their abuse while in the relationship, so they get to launch their campaign from a clean slate and immediately put you on the defensive.
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence, I remember breathing a sigh of relief when I was finally able to break free from my abusive marriage. Finally, I can have some peace and start my new life as a single mom! I thought I could just mentally “flip a switch,” and the healing would happen naturally.
I was free, so my problems were finally over, right?
Little did I know, things were about to get even uglier with a tumultuous divorce and years of post-separation abuse to follow. Accusations of infidelity that were a constant in our marriage played out in his smear campaign. In the courtroom, I was painted as a career-driven person who didn’t care about her kids. All the lies were meant to hurt me and get me to back down so that he could play the victim, protect his image, and win.
It is incredibly painful and damaging, and if you’re going through this, I truly feel for you. Fortunately, I have firsthand experience to prove that narcissistic abuse recovery is possible, and as your trauma recovery coach, I can lead you there.
Why Do They Do It?
To protect their image. Narcissists’ self-image is completely dependent on how they believe other people view them. Internally, they are highly insecure and have very low self-worth.
When a breakup happens or you go no contact with a narcissistic family member or friend, they view this as a failure, and failure is a threat to them — a threat to how they believe others will perceive them, and they want to protect their image at any cost. That means making you look like the bad guy, causing failure in the relationship.
By painting a bad picture of you, they divert attention away from their own bad behavior. They want to be viewed as the victim!
To win. Narcissists also want to WIN. Again, they want to maintain their grandiose exterior at any cost. They use harassment and intimidation to WIN and get what they want.
To gain control. The smear campaign also serves as a way for them to control their target. If they can no longer have you in the relationship, at least they can still control your emotions and get a reaction out of you. You are their literal puppet on a string.
To isolate their victims. Narcissists do not want to see their former partners supported. They didn’t while they were in the relationship, so why would they now? After someone breaks free, they want them to continue to be isolated so they can’t become stronger with people rallying around them.
How To Deal With the Narcissist’s Smear Campaign
Don’t engage with the narcissist. It is completely normal to want to set the record straight, and sometimes you have to if you are in a legal battle or are being publicly defamed. However, remember that narcissists thrive on getting a response from you, seeing you upset, and throwing you off course. This is just further fueling their narcissistic supply tank. They target your most vulnerable parts, so any reaction you give further fuels their fire to keep going.
If they can see that you are not phased, eventually they will have to turn their focus elsewhere and get a new source of supply. If you feel compelled to respond, state something like “That simply is not true,” and leave it at that. Lean on your attorney if you are in a legal battle to issue responses (and be sure to enlist an attorney that understands narcissistic abuse). Keep a record of the abuse.
You will never win an argument with a narcissist. Going to them to dispute their claims will only result in a circular argument, and you will only exhaust yourself emotionally and mentally trying to do so. They will use your reactions as “proof” of your supposed craziness, emotional instability, or even use it to paint you as the abuser or narcissist.
Remain calm and lean on your safe support people.
Cut out the flying monkeys. This may mean you lose friends and maybe even family, but in doing so you will truly figure out who your people are.
Practice self-care.
Stand firmly in your truth. Narcissists can be so convincing in their smear campaign that sometimes we end up believing it ourselves. Just like when we were in the relationship, the things the narcissist says and does make us doubt ourselves. All that really matters in life is how you feel about yourself, not what others think. I know — it’s easier said than done, but try to remember this in hard moments.
When dealing with a narcissist and recovering from a narcissistic relationship, the high road is the best road to take. You've got this! Should you need further support from someone who truly understands the journey you’re taking, reach out to me, Susie Miller Wendel, as your trauma recovery coach and schedule a session.You will never win an argument with a narcissist. Going to them to dispute their claims will only result in a circular argument and you will only exhaust yourself emotionally and mentally trying to do so. They will use your reactions as ‘proof’ of your craziness, emotional instability or even use it to paint you as the abuser or narcissist.